i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
