Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
