i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
