her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
