the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
