Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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