I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
