my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
