she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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