What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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