Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
