We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
