four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
