you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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