he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
