im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
