idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
