I should be sponsored by Trojan
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
