It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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