meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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