Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
