My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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