My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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