i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
