Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
