I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
