I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
