I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
