Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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