I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
