Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
