I wish I could punch you in the face.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
