you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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