someone threw a dead crab at me
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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