Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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