why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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