Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
