The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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