Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
