If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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