I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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