I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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