My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
