Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
