I just threw up on my dentist
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
