the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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