Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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