You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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