First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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