I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
