Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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