you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
