when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
